Slugging is what keeps me sane here in the greater Washington DC area. To this day I am thankful for one of the greatest gifts ever, given to me by my friend Chris A. lo these many years ago. That being the "how to slug" knowledge. Oh, most of you do not have a clue as to what "slugging" is?
Slugging is a non-government interfered with system set up by some very intelligent people when the Earth was still young and dinosaurs ruled our planet that allows the most efficient use of the High Occupancy Vehicle (HOV) lanes on trips to and from the greater DC and the Northern Virginia areas. Since the HOV lanes in question require most cars to have three or more people in them to use the lanes during peak hours, and since the HOV vehicle occupants typically are treated to the amusing sight of thousands of cars barely creeping along in the slow lanes as we rocket by, the people who conceived of the idea that you could have willing drivers pick up perfect strangers and drop them off after a trip on the HOV's were obviously struck by genius. So there are prearranged places where people park, or get dropped off, and then wait for a car going to a prearranged place at the other end.
Slugging works, but of course as the slug you have no control of anything going on, unless there is an emergency. And thus the tales ...
Bad Drivers. After a while, you get used to being so close to the car in front of you that you can read the fine print on the bumper sticker, or so far back that a freight train could easily cut in front of the car you are in. But some drivers stand out. Back when I was still working in Rosslyn I climbed into a white mini-van, driven by some woman who was dressed sort of professionally and who did not offer conversation. Usually riding with non-talkers is no big deal, but on that day it turned out to be a bit more worrisome. She drove fast, and quick. Angry, I would think later, and her being quiet was due to the anger brewing into rage, perhaps. Fast you understand; by quick I mean she was cutting in front of other cars with very quick moves, accelerated sharply, and of course had to brake sharply too. Riding peoples bumpers. She was not adverse to driving on the shoulder to get a look at the traffic in front of her. She did all of this a lot, so the drive was very uncomfortable from the "this is the definition of high risk driving" perspective, but I figured at least we would get there fast. The only time she was not zigging and zagging like a running back was when she cut in front of a bus, and had a nice stretch of empty pavement in front of her. That is when Crazy Woman put the brakes on. I think I heard the bus brakes squeal, since she had cut right in front of him, but in any event after forcing the bus to slow down she was off to the races again. When we got to Rosslyn she continued cutting in front of people, making a nuisance of herself. But there was one final rude gesture that my fellow slug and I were to endure: Instead of dropping us off at the arranged spot, she suddenly stopped in the right traffic lane after cutting in front of yet one more car - who honked to let her know what an idiot she was - and told us to get out. Needless to say, if I had ever seen her in line again I would not have ridden again with that one.
Then of course the couple in the Mercedes who, I guess, were very tired. Because the whole trip she seemed to be close to drifting off. Finally, we get near the end and are stopped behind a bus. Bus pulls forward, she pulls forward. And apparently drifts off just before putting the brakes on. The bus was not damaged, the car was. And I was able to fulfill the dream of many people and play traffic cop on the freeway, signaling people to move to the next lane from around the curve until the State Patrol rolled in about 45 minutes later.
Strange / Weird Drivers. Those who drive well enough to not worry you, but there is a bit something odd going on. A story from a good friend who slugs illustrates the point: He gets into a van, the driver says "Hi" pretending to be normal. A few moments later and they are off on the freeway, and the driver hands the two slugs a piece of paper. It explains why he is not talking. Since he was in dispute with the Patent Office over having been let go, he had vowed to not say another word until he had been reinstated. The whole trip my friend Tim B. was wondering if the driver was going to go psycho ...
It is good that people who cannot hear can still drive, but: Car pulls up with a passenger in the front seat. I climb in and we are off like track stars heading home. The two in front start using sign language. Ummm ... guys you do know that your little conversation is a lot less important than the traffic we are in cruising along at relatively high speeds, right? The "conversation" becomes more and more animated, meaning that the driver was looking at the passenger rather than the road more and more of the time, which the slug did not like much. But apparently the driver was multitasking, because we never hit anything but air. Still, not a trip I would have been willing to try again.
Noise pretending to be music. As a slug you have no control of the radio station in the car. A lot of people pick mainstream news or music stations that do not insult the slug's intelligence or ears. Some choose otherwise. I like classical music, or good 'ol rock and roll, or jazz. In other words music that has a melody, that imparts a sense that the musician actually has talent playing or singing what someone who actually had talent composed. Sadly a lot of the drivers choose to listen to noise - people who can't sing worth a hill of beans, people playing instruments like they were kitchenware.
Missed your exit. New drivers sometimes are not sure of the route. No problem! Just ask and most slugs will be happy to serve as guide slugs. Of course a few times drivers have both not known how to get where they are going and chosen to not ask for directions, leading to extended trips. Luckily, the area around the Pentagon has had a lot of trees left up so trips over the various bridges and into the outskirts of DC can be pleasant except for the traffic, and eventually I have always made it to work.
There are of course the special cases. On a trip home the slug driver misses our exit. No problem, right? Drive to the next exit and work your way back. Not this clown. Backs up on the freeway, on a day when traffic on the HOVs is humming along at 70+. Idiot!
On a trip to work. Often due at least in part to the antics of the parking lot doughnut eaters directing traffic at our destination there can be a back up that extends down the freeway a good bit. It is OK to use a different exit to go to the back parking area, and it often makes sense since far fewer even know how to do this. But this guy decided to be special. Instead of going around to the back, he assures us that he knows a better way, and makes what is essentially a U-turn on the freeway at the reversible lane interchange. Yes, that was fun as we waited for this bozo to pull into fast moving oncoming traffic just to take us into a wandering maze of streets for half an hour of flailing around when we could have been done with the ride in 10 minutes.
Just Plain Bad Radio stations. I do not like shock jocks. They are rude, and the stupid antics they play on unsuspecting people should get them sued. It has been a long while since I have listened to them on a slug ride, thank goodness. Racist radio stations (would it be racist for a white sportscaster to say "Lets see how the teams with white quarterbacks did. I like the teams with white quarterbacks"? If it is, then it was just as bad when a black sportscaster said the same except substituting the word black for white.) Stupid radio station broadcasters. These are the people who use no logic, instead spouting off whatever cause of the day hits the streets even if it makes no sense or has no evidence to back it. One of the worst is a particular local religious celebrity who spends much more time plugging politics or the social cause of the minute than she spends talking about God. These broadcasters all have one thing in common: They lie like rugs. Sadly many of their brain-dead listeners, including the slug drivers who listen to them, are naïve and gullible enough to believe them. More is not better. Yes, Sirius has an incredible number of stations. Which means they have a lot of good stations, but also a bunch of losers. Music sung by people who really should move on to the next dream. People who cannot even spell "logic" because if they could they would realize how absolutely illogical their positions are. Sadly, there are some slug drivers who listen to this crap. And we wonder why the country is in the mess that it is - well the answer is that there are enough people who think this kind of wasted air space is actually worth listening too.
Cool trips. The bad slug rides are vastly outnumbered by the nothing noteworthy rides, but also greatly outnumbered by the cool rides. That will be a future post! Enjoy!
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