I actually thought about this on Father's Day, and started to write it the day after, only to find that draft missing tonight. But here goes again:
Those who know me know who did not know me be before we had kids would find it hard to match up my old views about having kids with the intense love and sometimes deep frustrations that they have engendered and continue (thankfully with a bit less of the later and more of the former) to cause to this day.
I can remember telling Mom that I did not want to have kids. My dear friends the Anzalones, and those other friends who I was lucky to have in Mountain Home during my first Air Force assignment, also knew of this aversion. This deep feeling did not come about because of growing up poor, because honestly while I knew we were not fiscally well off, and was occasionally upset by things we could not have, that was massively offset by knowing the fierce love and support from two of the finest parents that God has ever gifted any kid with. My Mom and Dad did more within the limits that they had to work with then anyone could have expected, and for that I am endlessly thankful. No, not wanting kids was something that came from a sense of convenience. Selfishness I will call it in a moment of honest self understanding. Kids took up your time, they endlessly wanted your energy, effort, patience. When young they produced challenges of diapers, patience, repetition, constant vigilance. As they grew older you were able to sleep more and eventually did not have to worry about sanitation every hour or so but those positive changes were offset by truculence, stubbornness, pushing limits, intentional disobedience. Then when they start to turn into little humans they start school, and you have to deal with that constant drama and them wanting to have friends that were wrong for them. Etc., etc., etc., ad infinitum. Later they begin to think that somehow their limited few years on Earth somehow make them wise and you stupid, obviously wrong but no one can claim that the young have fully functioning brains. Based on what I had seen of kids, including me, they were drains down which the parents' poured endless time, limitless resources. And so it was that when I first met the Anzalones, and saw that they had two wonderful kids and were nevertheless wonderful people, and later gaped in amazement as they had a third, that I knew that they were special and rare. And for the first time I thought that maybe having kids would not be so bad. But, I quickly disabused myself of that nonsense and quickly went back to not wanting to ever have to deal with that whole mess.
I met Sharon, fell in love, eventually got married, and realized that sooner or later we would probably have kids. And so it was, after we had planned on waiting for five years or so, that Kristi was born about two years after we got married. As she developed from the tiny form she was when the doctor told us that we were expecting, and consternation hit me like a sledgehammer, to the time she was born and I experienced the first of two most perfect moments in my life, I slowly developed into a man who wanted kids. That is not to say that any of the concerns I had before were wrong, but rather that I knew we could deal with the negative issues and that the positive ones would greatly outweigh the bad.
Kristi. Kristi was in no hurry to be born. Perhaps it was the nice environment that Sharon and I provided. Good food, never anything like alcohol that would hurt her, good music, calm voices talking to her through the wall of the womb, a fantastic German Shepherd and Cat (Astra and Bobbie) who by bringing joy to the parents helped bring a comfortable fetus-hood to the daughter. So when she finally came out into the world, almost two weeks late and after a mad dash to the hospital, she was already a well developed infant. She was born, and after being wrapped up she was presented to the glowing mother. Sharon looked at her and held her with incredible warmth, and love, and Kristi responded likewise despite just having gone through what must have been a difficult transition. Than Sharon handed her to me. I will never forget the incredible feeling of love and devotion that shot through me the first time I held her and looked into her eyes, will never forget the instant bond, the calm intelligence and love that I saw in her as she looked at the newest Daddy in the world. A few days later we took her home. Seeing my mother hold her granddaughter was a wondrous gift as well, and when Mom looked at me with love, pride, and happiness I knew that we had given her a great gift as well, and that I would never not want kids again. I am thankful that she was able to know her granddaughter, even if only for those two short years. Sharon's mom came soon after, and again I saw great love and happiness, and that only strengthened the feelings of how right this was.
Throughout the weeks, months and years after Kristi's birth, as the challenges that I had known would come for years indeed came and were conquered, and as challenges that I had never even thought of presented themselves off and on as well, the love and devotion never waned, never dulled. And today, though I cannot hold her on my forearm and gently move her head up and down, and though she has had her first name for all these years, that bond shows no sign of weakening.
She showed her characteristic intelligence and stubbornness from an early age. She liked to be held, wanted attention and was not shy about demanding it if not enough was provided. So many tales to tell, but perhaps I will write of them some other time. Suffice to say that today I am so proud of her, for she has come far, overcome great difficulties, and seems happy. More I cannot ask for, but there is her success as a professional that makes me happy as well.
Chip. Chip also was in no hurry to be born. Like his sister a little more than three years before, he was formed in a loving environment. By then Astra had died, as had my Mom, but Sharon's Mom was there to welcome him home, and Schatte the German Shepherd and Goldie the Yellow Lab were the dogs who gave him the doggie love that lucky kids get. So perhaps it should not have been unexpected that he too would be about two weeks late. I first gazed into his eyes when Sharon was told to stop pushing since he was coming out with the cord around his neck, and then ended up moving to get it off of him when the midwife and the two or three students did not move fast enough to satisfy me. Soon after he was given to Sharon, who for the second time looked at a newborn of her own with the same motherly love and happiness that I had seen a few years before. When it was my turn, that same bolt of love and devotion that had hit me three years before did so again.
Chip provided the same challenges as we had survived and learned from before. The standard challenges that every well cared for infant offers to the parents were ours to deal with again. Of course there were great differences in the characters of the two siblings, for while the first wanted and still wants to be the center of attention to, her brother prefers to be somewhat more alone. The wonders that he has given will also, hopefully, be told later, but suffice for now to say I am blessed to have him in my life.
His way is that of the mind. Chip has a great intelligence, perhaps augmented by some of the challenges that he has and will face. He, like me when I was younger, tends to have strong opinions based on keen observations of the world around him, though like the young me he perhaps occasionally is somewhat wrong. I trust that with time he will become less judgmental, and allow others to be less perfect than now. He likes time to examine his environment, to figure out the how and what of a given situation. I have experienced much happiness watching him grow, learn, accomplish, and the bond that was sealed with his birth also shows no sign of weakening.
And so it is. It was a Happy Father's day, for though Chip is in Japan hopefully learning and enjoying the experience much, despite some challenges, I feel the love of two fine children, and that warms my heart and lets me laugh at the young me who would not want to have them in his life.
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